my thoughts this mother's day

Last year's Mother's Day was one of the hardest days of my life emotionally. I had just found out the month before what I had feared all along; that the chances of me being able to get pregnant with the assistance of fertility treatments/medication were very slim. I had already done one round of fertility medication that didn't work and my thoughts and emotions were all over the place. Not just because the medication threw my hormones completely out of whack, but because infertility, no matter what stage you find yourself in, is extremely emotion filled trial. To sum up my feelings- I felt embarrassed, guilty, broken, and worried. Being around kids, babies, and pregnant ladies sucked- and a day that celebrated all those things, things that I thought I may never have, was like torture. I remember sitting in the bathroom on Mother's Day morning last year and just crying- quietly, or course, so Nathan wouldn't hear- and later telling Nathan that there was no way I was going to church that day. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.

So, I first wanted to post today, recognizing those whose hearts might be breaking; to all the women on their journey to motherhood- especially those whose road to get there is a lot bumpier than they expected; to all the women grieving the loss of a child; and to all the women who haven't yet had the opportunity to start a family- my thoughts and prayers are with you all today. I hope for all of you today, that you can feel a sense of hope and peace and that you try your hardest not to lose faith.

"For you childless sisters and those without companions, remember the eternal timetable of the Lord is much longer than the lonely hours of your preparation or the total of this mortal life. These are only as microseconds when compared to eternity. Your willingness and worthiness are surely known to Him. The spiritual rewards of motherhood are available to all women. Nurturing the young, comforting the frightened, protecting the vulnerable, teaching and giving encouragement need not—and should not—be limited to our own children."

--Elder Russell M. Nelson, Lessons From Eve, October 1987 

To the women within the sound of my voice who dearly want to be mothers and are not, I say through your tears and ours on that subject, God will yet, in days that lie somewhere ahead, bring “hope to [the] desolate heart.” 1 As prophets have repeatedly taught from this pulpit, ultimately “no blessing shall be withheld” from the faithful, even if those blessings do not come immediately. 2 In the meantime we rejoice that the call to nurture is not limited to our own flesh and blood....

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.....Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.”  You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging. Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master’s garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep... “Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.” 

--Jeffery R. Holland, April 1997

I also wanted to post today, not only to remember the journey that has brought me to where I am today, but also express how grateful I am to be here, expecting a precious baby boy in only about 6 weeks. I posted this on my baby blog earlier this week-- but wanted to share it here today as well. Happy Mother's Day one and all!

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I was driving home after dropping Nathan off at work this morning, and nothing good was on the radio, so I turned on my favorite Disney cd, "Simply Mad About the Mouse" and was so excited when my favorite song came on first. I am not sure if I have mentioned the song on this blog before I got pregnant, but I used to listen to it all the time because it gave me a little glimmer of hope; A Dream is Wish Your Heart Makes. I smiled and began singing along and it wasn't very far into the song when I had to stop singing because I had started crying.

As I sang the lyrics, my mind wandered back to the many, many times I had listened to the song before- dreaming of one day becoming a mother, the silent prayers of pleading for strength, comfort, and faith that seemed to play on repeat in my mind, and the heart break I felt one failed attempt after another. I knew deep down that one day it would happen, and  Nathan and I would have little family of our own, but it seemed so far away and often so hopeless. And today, as that song played, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks- that my someday is here; the dream that I wished has come true and in just about 7 weeks I am going to be holding the answer to my prayers in my arms.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you will lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and some day

Your rainbow will come smiling through

No matter how your heart is grieving, 

if you keep on believing

The dream that you wish will come true

I know I typically post more about the discomforts and weirdness that pregnancy brings, but I just wanted to express how truly grateful I am for the blessing of this child in our lives and testify to the power of faith and prayers. I literally can't put into words my joy and gratitude. I just wanted to make sure that I acknowledged these feelings and wrote them down while they were still fresh in my mind.

buddy

This past Saturday the Sanders family dog, Buddy, died. The past couple years have been rough ones for him, and we knew it was coming soon- but of course we are are all still sad.

We got Buddy when I was 13 and in the 8th grade. My parents brought him home from a charity auction. I was so excited because my parents always told us we couldn't have pets- other goldfish. He was cute and so full of energy. He loved to play. He would bring us toys to throw, but once we threw them, he would play keep away and wouldn't give them back! He also loved to be loved on. My mom didn't like him wandering the house because he shed so much, so a lot of his inside time was spent in the kennel, but I would open the kennel door and just pet him and talk to him. He was a sweetie.

He had a little wading pool in the back yard that my sisters and I would throw ice cubes in that he would try to find before they melted, and then once his feet were all wet, we would throw another ice cube down to the other end of the patio and he would run after it, slipping and sliding. We thought that was hilarious. We also loved putting his big orange tennis ball on the trampoline and he would get underneath and bark and hit it with his nose trying to get it off. Then, one day, he learned that he could get on the trampoline and that was even more fun! I can't help but feel partially responsible for his bad hips in his old age.

As fun as he was, he did get into his fair share of mischief too. When he was puppy he ate an entire bottle of ibuprofen and had to get his stomach pumped and at one point he broke his hip and had his leg in a cast. He chewed through the cable on the side of the house- so Cox had to come out and run a new cable line and made dad had to put a copper pipe around it to keep him from chewing. He also chewed through a bunch of garden hoses. He had a tendency to escape and run away from us when he was younger, but as he got older, if he got out, he would just come sit up by the front door until someone let him inside again.

Overall, he was a very smart and generally well behaved. He knew lots of tricks- sit, lay down, shake, speak, catch- but his most impressive was "dead dog"- he would lie completely still and you could poke him and mess with his ears and paws and wouldn't move. He would even slow his breathing- it was very impressive. At any age, he was always so excited to see us and always ready to give and receive love- and we always knew he would protect us and make us feel safe. I'm gonna miss the old guy.

Nathan was sweet enough to go to vet's office and do some clay paw prints so we could all have something to remember Buddy by. I wish we had taken some more pictures of him! These are the only ones I had on hand.

This is Buddy (on the left) with his offspring "Puppy" or as I so lovingly referred to him as "little black stupid"- and my dog Daisy. Another thing I will always remember about Buddy is that he would let Daisy sit on him. She didn't like putting her butt on the ground, so Buddy would lay down and Daisy would lay or sit on top of him.

This is Buddy with his favorite big orange tennis ball, that I mentioned earlier.

And this is a very unflattering picture of Buddy trying to get the ball away from me. 

I'm so sad that he's not in our lives anymore, but so glad that he doesn't have to be lonely or in pain anymore. Bye, Buddy! We love you and miss you!

we did something!

On Monday, March 18th, we actually went out did something out of the ordinary! My dad gave me and Nathan, and my sister, Jessica, and her husband tickets to the Suns vs. Lakers game! I was so excited! I haven't been to Suns game in what seems like forever- and I was even more excited because it was against the Lakers and I got to see my favorite player Steve Nash again! Also, my dad gets GREAT seats through his work, which gives us access to the club area and the nice bathrooms.

Nathan suggested that we bring our camera, to see what kind of shots we could get- I think we got some pretty good ones. We got better ones in the second half because Nathan figured out how to turn on the rapid shot feature. We still don't have any photo editing software- so these are just straight off the camera.

So here are some pictures I snapped of the pre-game, warm-up stuff, while Nathan was getting us some dinner.

Jessica wanted me to take a picture of this orange guy.

Here is Nash, warming up...

And he is my favorite Suns player, Dragic, high fiving the player we dubbed "tall guy-" he's 6'9"!!

Here are some of the Sun stretching and warming up...

 

Soon it was time for the player introductions-which I couldn't get any good pictures of, because it was dark and everyone was moving around too much- but I did get the Gorilla and dancers (in outfit #1) with the "Beat L.A." sign!

Game time huddle

Just before the game started we noticed the Gorilla rising up on a large black tower. 

"What is that?" we thought

It was another HUGE Beat L.A. sign.

 

I zoomed out a bit so you could see how big and high up it was.

 And then, the game started. These are the game shots I took during the first half.

And here are the Suns dancers, sometime during the first half in outfit #2!

And here are my two favorite players about to re-enter the game at the same time- Dragic & Nash.

And this one looks like Nash is about to give Dragic a hug...

...and this is Dragic rejecting the hug. 

 HALF TIME!

The half time show was pretty cool, but extremely hard to photograph. It was guys doing some wicked sweet tricks on a trampoline. The issue we had was they were constantly in motion, so the camera kept auto focusing on all the people in the background, rather than the performer.  Nathan took like 100 or more photos, but none of them really gave the show justice- I did pick out a few that were ok. Check out, how high they bounce!

Getting ready to start the 2nd half with the Suns dancers in outfit #3! My brother in law, Jon was kind enough to remind Nathan to take pictures of the dancers while my sister and I were in the bathroom. 

At the end of the 3rd quarter, the Gorilla and some other guys came out did some pretty sweet dunks!

And here are some more game shots from throughout the second half of the game.

And when all was said and done-

Yay! Suns win! Lakers 76- Suns 99!

And the dancers came out in outfit #4! Seriously though, why all the wardrobe changes for cheerleaders?

Not only was it a Suns victory but Nathan caught me a free t-shirt AND since the Suns got 99 points, we got coupons for free tacos AND we found $5 in the parking garage. Booyah!

Here is a picture that a very nice Lakers fan took of Nathan and I after he caught me my shirt...

Here is a picture of Jessica and Jon....

And here is a picture of me and Jessica.... 

And one last pic of Dragic in post game interview. 

As many of you know, when capturing a sporting event, you can get some pictures that turn out looking ridiculous. Well I got a couple of this guy (Luis Scola...)

Who we decided looked an awful lot like this guy (Russell Brand.)

Here we have Scola looking like a ballerina:

And in this one it looks like he running away from something like a sissy girl.

Yes, I may be easily amused, but those pictures made me laugh.

Doesn't he really look a lot like Russell Brand, though? CRAZY!