my thoughts this mother's day

Last year's Mother's Day was one of the hardest days of my life emotionally. I had just found out the month before what I had feared all along; that the chances of me being able to get pregnant with the assistance of fertility treatments/medication were very slim. I had already done one round of fertility medication that didn't work and my thoughts and emotions were all over the place. Not just because the medication threw my hormones completely out of whack, but because infertility, no matter what stage you find yourself in, is extremely emotion filled trial. To sum up my feelings- I felt embarrassed, guilty, broken, and worried. Being around kids, babies, and pregnant ladies sucked- and a day that celebrated all those things, things that I thought I may never have, was like torture. I remember sitting in the bathroom on Mother's Day morning last year and just crying- quietly, or course, so Nathan wouldn't hear- and later telling Nathan that there was no way I was going to church that day. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.

So, I first wanted to post today, recognizing those whose hearts might be breaking; to all the women on their journey to motherhood- especially those whose road to get there is a lot bumpier than they expected; to all the women grieving the loss of a child; and to all the women who haven't yet had the opportunity to start a family- my thoughts and prayers are with you all today. I hope for all of you today, that you can feel a sense of hope and peace and that you try your hardest not to lose faith.

"For you childless sisters and those without companions, remember the eternal timetable of the Lord is much longer than the lonely hours of your preparation or the total of this mortal life. These are only as microseconds when compared to eternity. Your willingness and worthiness are surely known to Him. The spiritual rewards of motherhood are available to all women. Nurturing the young, comforting the frightened, protecting the vulnerable, teaching and giving encouragement need not—and should not—be limited to our own children."

--Elder Russell M. Nelson, Lessons From Eve, October 1987 

To the women within the sound of my voice who dearly want to be mothers and are not, I say through your tears and ours on that subject, God will yet, in days that lie somewhere ahead, bring “hope to [the] desolate heart.” 1 As prophets have repeatedly taught from this pulpit, ultimately “no blessing shall be withheld” from the faithful, even if those blessings do not come immediately. 2 In the meantime we rejoice that the call to nurture is not limited to our own flesh and blood....

-----

.....Rely on Him. Rely on Him heavily. Rely on Him forever. And “press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope.”  You are doing God’s work. You are doing it wonderfully well. He is blessing you and He will bless you, even—no, especially—when your days and your nights may be the most challenging. Like the woman who anonymously, meekly, perhaps even with hesitation and some embarrassment, fought her way through the crowd just to touch the hem of the Master’s garment, so Christ will say to the women who worry and wonder and sometimes weep... “Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole.” 

--Jeffery R. Holland, April 1997

I also wanted to post today, not only to remember the journey that has brought me to where I am today, but also express how grateful I am to be here, expecting a precious baby boy in only about 6 weeks. I posted this on my baby blog earlier this week-- but wanted to share it here today as well. Happy Mother's Day one and all!

------------------------------

I was driving home after dropping Nathan off at work this morning, and nothing good was on the radio, so I turned on my favorite Disney cd, "Simply Mad About the Mouse" and was so excited when my favorite song came on first. I am not sure if I have mentioned the song on this blog before I got pregnant, but I used to listen to it all the time because it gave me a little glimmer of hope; A Dream is Wish Your Heart Makes. I smiled and began singing along and it wasn't very far into the song when I had to stop singing because I had started crying.

As I sang the lyrics, my mind wandered back to the many, many times I had listened to the song before- dreaming of one day becoming a mother, the silent prayers of pleading for strength, comfort, and faith that seemed to play on repeat in my mind, and the heart break I felt one failed attempt after another. I knew deep down that one day it would happen, and  Nathan and I would have little family of our own, but it seemed so far away and often so hopeless. And today, as that song played, the realization hit me like a ton of bricks- that my someday is here; the dream that I wished has come true and in just about 7 weeks I am going to be holding the answer to my prayers in my arms.

A dream is a wish your heart makes

When you're fast asleep

In dreams you will lose your heartaches

Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and some day

Your rainbow will come smiling through

No matter how your heart is grieving, 

if you keep on believing

The dream that you wish will come true

I know I typically post more about the discomforts and weirdness that pregnancy brings, but I just wanted to express how truly grateful I am for the blessing of this child in our lives and testify to the power of faith and prayers. I literally can't put into words my joy and gratitude. I just wanted to make sure that I acknowledged these feelings and wrote them down while they were still fresh in my mind.